One Miz, Two Miz, Red Miz, Blue Miz
by Jehan's Muse
Summary: Les Mis in rhyme. Be afraid. Be very afraid.


**Javert:** Did you, did you steal that bread?  
Did you do it on your head?

**Valjean:** I am the hero of this book,  
Even though I am a crook.  
I could not, would not escape from jail,  
I could not, would not in a pail.  
I could not, would not if I tried,  
I will be here till I die.

**Javert:** That is right.  
Right you are.  
On your chest you have a scar.  
You will not escape from Toulon,  
You will not, 24601!

**Valjean:** But I am free,  
Yes, I am free!  
Look at me! Look at me!

**Bishop:** I am, I am irrelevant,  
I do not own an elephant,  
I do not belong in this book,  
With Javert and Jean the crook,  
I do not matter here or there,  
I do not matter anywhere.

**Valjean:** Could I, would I  
Stay here, please?  
Could I, would I  
Have some cheese?

**Bishop:** You can, you can stay with me,  
You won't rob me, no sirree!

**Valjean:** No, I will not rob you, sir--  
Look, there's silver in a drawer!  
Could I, would I take his stuff?  
Yes!  
Yes, I will take his stuff.  
Jean Valjean has had enough!

**Bishop: **That's all right, son. I'm a saint.  
Go on, take it. Jail can wait.  
But hold on--  
I must save your soul!  
You will be a goodguy now.  
No more will Valjean be a crook,  
Not for the rest of the book.

**Valjean:** Say! You're right!  
That sounds like fun!

**Bishop:** Sure it is!  
Farewell, my son.

**Valjean:** Now I think I'll fool Javert.  
I'll move to Montreuil-sur-Mer.

**Javert:** Aha! I'm stalking you, Valjean!  
You're still 24601!  
I will put you behind bars,  
Then I'll sing about the stars.

**Fantine:** I'm a whore. A whore am I.

**Thenardier:** I'll poke Cosette in the eye.  
If you don't pay, she'll say goodbye.

**Fantine:** What to do? What to do?  
I will sell my teeth and hair,  
I will pay Thenardier.

**Javert:** Not so fast, you two-bit whore!  
You can't do this anymore.  
Our fair city you disgrace,  
You just mauled some rich guy's face!  
Come along with me to jail,  
Looks like your evil plan has failed.

**Fantine:** Oh dear, oh dear.  
Oh dear, oh dear.  
I did not mean to harm Monsieur.  
If more money I don't get,  
It's curtains for my poor Cosette!

**Javert:** Sucks for you.

**Valjean:** Now wait right there!  
Let go of that hooker's hair!  
Drop the charges, set her free  
And get her to a nunnery.

**Javert: **Set her free?  
How can this be?  
Mayor, are you kidding me?  
But, because you told me so  
I guess I'll have to let her go.

**Valjean:** There you go. But 'fore you're done,  
One more thing--I'm 24601!

**Javert:** I knew it! You're a con!  
Not the mayor--Jean Valjean!

**Valjean:** Right you are. Now, no more fights--  
I'll just have to punch out your lights.

**Javert:** I am unconscious.  
Unconscious am I.

**Valjean:** All right, Fantine, now you can die.  
I will go and make a bid.  
I will go and save your kid.

**Thenardier:** No you don't! Oh, no, you don't!  
I need to use her as a slave!

**Valjean:** Cosette is who I'm here to save.  
Come on, Cosette, let's go away.

**Cosette:** A dolly!  
Yay!  
Now I can play!

**Marius:** I am poor. I have no dough.  
My grandfather told me to go.  
Look over there! A girl in black!  
Dude, but she has a nice rack!  
Cosette I love.  
Cosette love I.

**Cosette:** Look, Papa!  
See that hot guy!

**Enjolras:** Look at me! Yes, look at me!  
I lead the Friends of ABC.  
Courfeyrac, and Joly,  
Combeferre, Feuilly, Bahorel,  
Marius, who's dumb as hell,  
Then we have Jehan Prouvaire.  
Laigle's bald; he has no hair.  
I think I'll go and snog Grantaire.

**Grantaire:** I am drunk. Drunk am I.  
I see piggies in the sky.

**Enjolras:** Now the students will rebel.

**Grantaire:** Then we'll die and go to hell.

**Enjolras:** Did I ask you? I think not.  
Go and drink your absinthe, fool.

**Grantaire:** Yes, Apollo.  
You make the rules.

**Marius: **I love Cosette.  
Cosette I love.  
Cosette love I.

**Enjolras:** We have no time for love affairs!  
We must throw the government down the stairs!  
We will catch them unawares.

**Javert: **Valjean must die.  
Valjean must die.

**Thenardier:** I will fetch Patron-Minette.  
We will rob the Rue Plumet.

**Eponine:** I love Marius. Yes I do.  
He loves Cosette--  
Boo-hoo, boo-hoo!  
I will save this Jean Valjean.  
I will make my dad be gone.

**Valjean:** Curses! It's Javert!  
Why's he always in my hair?  
Come on, Cosette, it's time to go.  
We'll hop a boat to Ohio.

**Cosette:** Oh, dear! Marius, I must leave.

**Marius:** No!  
Oh, no!  
This cannot be!

**Javert: **I will catch Patron-Minette.  
Those stupid bandits I will get.  
With some help from Lawyer-Boy,  
I will stop their evil ploy!

**Valjean:** Thenardier has captured me  
In order to extort a fee!  
This is bad.  
Yes, this is bad.

**Marius:** Hey! That bandit saved my dad!

**Javert:** Ha-ha! Ha-ha! I've got you now!

**Montparnasse:** Jeez, old dude, don't have a cow.

**Valjean:** Now it's time to get away,  
I'll go to jail another day.

**Enjolras:** Now it's time to go and fight!  
We will fight all day and night!

**Eponine:** I've been shot.  
Yes, I've been shot.

**Marius:** Eponine!  
Oh, poor 'Ponine!  
Dear me, look,  
It's starting to rain.

**Eponine:** It is raining. Raining it is.  
But that's irrelevant.

**Marius:** Of course--it's Les Miz.

**Eponine:** Now I will die.  
Goodbye, goodbye.

**Marius:** How sad.

**Javert:** I'm a spy.  
Yes, I'm a spy.

**Gavroche:** Hey!  
Hey!  
Hey!  
I know that guy!

**Javert:** Curses! Foiled again!

**Grantaire:** Bravo, little Gavroche, you're top of the class!

**Combeferre:** Jehan's been captured. His ass is grass.

**Jehan:** Vive le France! Rebel power!  
Will someone remember to water my flowers?

**Enjolras:** Oh dear. Oh dear.  
He is gone.  
Too bad we couldn't save Jehan.

**Joly:** But now we have Jean Valjean!

**Valjean:** It's Javert! Yes, it's Javert!  
May I throw him down the stairs?

**Enjolras:** By all means, go ahead.

**Javert:** Oh dear. Now I'll be dead.

**Valjean:** That's fine.  
I'll let you go.

**Javert:** But why?  
Yes, why?

**Valjean: **I'm a nice guy.

**Javert:** This makes no sense!  
I should be dead!  
This confuses my poor head!  
That con could never be my friend!  
Now I'll go jump in the Seine.

**Enjolras:** Shoot me now!  
I'm an insurgent!

**Gendarme:** You killed the  
Artillery sergeant!

**Grantaire:** Hey, you assholes, look here and see--  
If you kill my boyfriend, you have to kill me!

**Enjy/R:** Vive la Republique!  
We are dead.  
Dead we are.

**Valjean:** Hey, what's this? Look who I found!  
Cosette's boyfriend, on the ground!

**Marius:** I am mortally wounded.  
Mortally wounded am I.

**Valjean:** No, no, you're far too cute to die.  
I will take you to Cosette.

**Marius:** Cosette!  
Cosette!  
My dear Cosette!

**Valjean:** Now you're engaged,  
I guess I'll die.

**Cosette:** Goodbye, Papa!  
Goodbye!  
Goodbye!

**Fantine/Eponine:** All right, come on, you're with us now.

**Valjean:** Okay, play's over. Take a bow!

**Enjolras:** I dislike rhyming.

**Combeferre:** I dislike dying.

**Jehan:** I dislike Dr. Seuss.

**Javert:** And I dislike complaining revolutionaries. Shut up and get the fic over with already!


End file.
